Phantasies and Alternate Dimensions (feline_phantasy) wrote,
Phantasies and Alternate Dimensions
feline_phantasy

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Waiting.

I began the work to recover our family and build a future for us. Ross offered to help me do this, and the easiest way to do that is if I liege in under him.

Right about now I don't mind giving up my crown. I don't feel I've been the greatest leader and frankly, I need a break. I need time to be just me, to have some fun, and not have to worry constantly.

I recently rejoined a group that I'd left in order to avoid my ex. It's been nearly a year and I rejoined and she doesn't seem to be there anymore. Maybe now I can have some fun as a regular person.

Ross brought my lieging in before his Council and they approved it. I'd taken the time to write up a notecard giving them some information on my clear separation from Berial and Mercie. I knew this was important. I'd been told my name was lumped in with theirs, thanks to everything that's happened. Of course, that angers me, but then again, I let them in. I take full responsibility for that.

Ross also told me they may lose a few members. I told him I didn't want to cause a lot of trouble. He told me not to worry about it.

I spent the weekend by myself. Shadoe had Thanksgiving; he lives in Canada. Everyone else seemed busy. I didn't sleep very well and was prone to bursting into tears. I felt like an utter failure for the first time since I started leading this clan. I hate that I've become a pariah in some peoples' eyes because I was stupid enough to listen to the wrong people. I hate that so many forget how I really am, just because I made a mistake. I hate how I seem to have become invisible to so many. It's like I make a mistake and everything everyone knows about me goes out the window, and that's not right.

Yes, I'm loyal to a fault, and that included being loyal to someone who destroyed what we had for their own gain - and the hunter that left us would have left, sooner or later, because she's just the type that wants to be the one in control. Though we lost a good hunter, we also lost someone who told a lot of lies and withheld truth that, if shared, would've gone a long way to repair the situation. Those things are not my fault. I always had an open door policy and I happened to be in daily contact with this woman, so she had no excuse for her behavior.

I lost a sister who decided one day to delete her SL account without a word and reboot her SL under a new name. She blocked me on Facebook and refused to answer my texts. To this day, I have no clue what brought this about. She was there one day and gone the very next. An explanation would've been nice, but too many don't think other people deserve them. I cherished our friendship and have no earthly clue what destroyed it for her. We never argued. Nothing ever came up to explain what she chose to do. I do know she kept in touch with the hunter that left, and considering what I now know about the woman, she may have said something to make my sister turn tail and leave. If she did, that was the height of cruelty and something I won't forgive her for.

It takes pure unadulterated evil to do to people what was done to us. I spent the weekend crying and doing my best to forgive myself for allowing it to happen by listening to the wrong person. I don't care what a person calls virtual reality, the fact remains that real people inhabit it and those real people have feelings, hopes, and goals. My heart has been broken, and as time goes on, I am finding out yet more that happened behind my back.

That person (I won't dignify it by using his name) de-friended my sister Crista and told us all to defriend her because allegedly his efforts to get her to join us failed to work. The truth of the matter is that he wanted in her pants and when she kept refusing, he turned his back on her. I wouldn't know this except I kept in touch with her and never stopped calling her my sister.

I don't have a deceptive bone in my body, and those that know me well are aware of this. I guess when it became obvious that I wouldn't put up with my family being mistreated - as well as myself - that proved to this person that I would not be a party to his deceptive ways. I know where to draw the line, and often when I do, people leave.

As for Mercie, she has made her bed, and perhaps she is the kind of deceptive person he's always been looking for. There are only two reasons she lieged to me in the first place: One was to piss Ross off, and the other was because she is a lousy leader, by self-admission. The moment she saw an opening to leave and join the other guy, she took it. I know now that this was the original plan from the very start. All she waited for was something she 'thinks' has made me look bad, when, in fact, it simply confirmed the duplicity she's shown since the day that man came back into her life. Mercie doesn't know what true loyalty means. She has no clue what it is to stand up for something good and right. She just goes along using people to get what she thinks she needs.

Mercie knew precisely what she was doing the day she contacted the estate owner that has Ross's clan sim, and asked him to return all her objects to her. She chose a time when Ross was gone on vacation. Not once did she think of all the others she would hurt. Not once did she consider how that would reflect on me, since she was in my clan. I can't say I blame people for thinking that I had something to do with it, but the fact is I wasn't told until after the deed was done. Yes, I will admit that at the time I was thinking "I told you so" and I tried to do my best to calm Crista down - but it remains that what Mercie did was highly selfish and inconsiderate of anyone's feelings but her own. Innocent people suddenly found their belongings hanging in midair, when before there had been a room around them. Things people depended upon had vanished. Crista was trying to take it all on herself and I kept telling her that it wasn't her fault. I didn't want her to have a doggoned stroke over something that could be remedied with a little bit of linden.

My stuff was also returned, so naturally people thought I had something to do with it. No, I did not, people, and it's not something I would have condoned. I left my stuff there on purpose. If I had wanted it back, I would've asked for it. I had already picked up my no-copy orca and dolphins.

I can't go back and change things I've said. I can't go back and un-do listening to the wrong people. All I can do is move forward, and I want to do it with people I trust and feel comfortable with.

At this point, many people would create or switch to an alt and start fresh. I've never done that, and I'm not doing it, now. I fully own my choices in the past, and I'm not afraid to say so. Be that as it may, I recognize the damage done and the slander perpetrated in my name. Only time and actions will show that those things do not represent the person that I am.
Tags: second life, virtual reality
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