Phantasies and Alternate Dimensions (feline_phantasy) wrote,
Phantasies and Alternate Dimensions
feline_phantasy

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Moving onward

We were accepted into Shadow Knights.

Everyone has been tremendously welcoming and friendly and my flist has quite literally exploded.

As I told Ross, I feel overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. I've just been swimming upstream and in defense mode for so long that now that I have what I want for myself and my family, I have to get used to it. Shed the extra defenses. Loosen up and be accepting.

I was speaking with someone last night whose SL love had left them...the person that left them happens to be someone I know, so I know a lot about what makes him tick. He has conflict deep inside that no outside person will ever be able to touch. He has to forgive himself for things he's done, and realize that he deserves love and acceptance. Till he does that, he will continue to reject people and put the blame on them for being miserable.

I've been there, and in a way, I am there right now, though I am ahead of the game by knowing what's going on with myself. I have forgiven myself, but the "worthy of love" part is taking some work I think. This family has accepted me into their midst without reservation, and in some ways, I am still working on allowing myself to accept that for what it is.

I have yet to run into anyone who has a problem with me being here, but perhaps they are avoiding me, or they just haven't been on. I don't know. I guess a part of what I'm going through is waiting for one of them to show up and give me a noseful.

I am reminded of the first time I joined the Stilt Bitches (which I'm a member of, again). I was having fun participating and creating and offering things to the group that it totally blindsided me when one of the members just tore into me, entirely unprovoked, and practically cursed the day I joined. To this day, I still don't know what her problem is. She's still a member of the group, but I have yet to run into her - and this time if I do, she gets the sharp side of my tongue.

The other day I ran into an article that caused me to do more research on the damage childhood abuse can cause a person. They covered physical and verbal abuse as well as sexual. I wasn't exposed to that much sexual, and not from my family, but I was definitely exposed to physical and verbal. It said that it leaves lasting brain alterations, even if the person gets therapy.

That may explain why some people have had an easy time taking advantage of me.

I need the protection of others, others I can trust, who will steer me clear of such individuals. Like it or not, I do. I have been prey to too many. It points up that despite all my therapy and all that I've learned, I'm still prone to becoming a victim, and I don't want that to happen, anymore.

I have a lot to offer, but not to those who seek to take advantage of it.
Tags: childhood abuse, second life, vulnerability
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